Bro Questions Self-Worth After Not Getting GoPro Footage

JACKSON, Wyo. — Social media clicks were forever lost Sunday when a “malfunctioning” GoPro failed to record a snowboarder’s powder turns on Teton Pass. Lacking the footage to make friends jealous and affirm his coolness within his digital peer group, the rider was ultimately left to question his self-worth existentially as a human being.

Recovering PDSD survivor and social media whore Samuel Adams, 31, had already descended over 1,000 feet in “blower conditions” when — to his horror — he realized his GoPro was not on. According to friends and eyewitnesses, Adams immediately entered the five stages of grief, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression — and much, much later, acceptance.

“At first, he just couldn’t believe it,” Adams’ riding partner, Sam Rooney, told The Bumion. “But once he realized the truth, shit got sloppy. After about 10 minutes of belligerently cursing the snow gods, he finally just broke down sobbing — and the hate turned inward.”

According to Rooney’s account, he spent well over two hours nursing Adams out of mental and emotional anguish, patting him on the back, wiping snot off his nose — and force-feeding his grieving bro shots of whisky. “That’s what friends are for,” he said.

But Rooney also acknowledged he understands the anguish his friend and riding partner was going through.

If you do something sick in the woods, but no one’s around to see — was it sick?

“Sure — I’ve been there,” he admitted. “It’s like the old saying: ‘If you do something sick in the woods, but no one’s around to see — was it sick?’ I’m not so sure it is…”

Catching up with the drunken and still grieving Adams at the Stagecoach Saloon later that evening, The Bumion sat down with the depressed snowboarder to discuss the non-existent selfie footage, and how he planned to move forward. 

“I don’t know what the fuck to do now,” Adams said. “Those were some of the dopest turns of the season, and now I have absolutely no way to show people how sick I am. Without that footie, how are my friends, family and barely-known acquaintances supposed to know that my life is way better than theirs? What am I supposed to do, just enjoy the experience? That’s fucking bullshit! What is this, the ’90s?”

The Bumion’s interview with Adams was abruptly cut short after he received a Snapchat of someone else doing the same line he did, only later in the day, which led to a renewed bout of grief, sorrow and debilitating narcissistic woe.

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