Culture

Anxious Snowboarder Suffers Lift-Line-Induced Panic Attack

JACKSON, Wyo. — While waiting to rip pow Saturday, January 21, 30-year-old snowboarder Samuel Adams suffered from an acute onset of PDSD (Powder Deprivation Schizophrenic Disorder).

In what bystanders later called an “extreme episode of hysterical berserker rage,” Adams tore through the gondola lift line while yelling expletives and throwing snowboards and skis in every direction. The belligerent rampage ceased when mountain hosts managed to pin down the enraged powder hound and deliver sustained taser bursts to his neck and crotch.

According to ski area officials, Adams was then given a tranquilizing sedative and sent to a Salt Lake City mental institution, where he is currently under observation.

THE BELLIGERENT RAMPAGE CEASED WHEN MOUNTAIN HOSTS MANAGED TO PIN DOWN THE ENRAGED POWDER HOUND AND DELIVER SUSTAINED TASER BURSTS TO HIS NECK AND CROTCH.

“I saw the whole thing go down,” said local ripper and TGR intern Buller Rork. “Sam was totally stoked to ride pow and was getting his kit together when everything turned south. His mood changed when the ski instructors started loading their wealthy 1% clients on the gondola early. That was the initial push that sent him over the edge.”

Already furious at the social injustice unfolding before his eyes, matters deteriorated further when — to the ire of many — the resort opened a nearby lift on time, but failed to open the gondola as promised at 9:00 a.m.

According to Rork, upon seeing the perceived loss of his powder glory, Adams began muttering to himself about not making it to the the upper lifts “before the chargers” while also adopting a weird, violent facial twitch.

“Once Sam saw people ripping virgin lines in the distance, his sanity seemed to totally slip — then all hell broke loose!” Rork recounted. “During the rampage, he totally fucked up my edges, but I hope he’s okay.”

Like many that morning, Adams had awoken early. Having slept in his outerwear the night before, Adams rolled out of bed and, after preparing a French-pressed coffee, was out the door by 6:30 a.m. Fellow commuters on the bus later confirmed that the powder-hungry Adams was acting strangely, doing and undoing his toe straps repeatedly for the entire 34-minute ride to the resort.

In a call with TGR, a Salt Lake mental hospital official confirmed that despite a Snowbird-bound escape attempt, Adams is currently in full recovery.

Doctors and medical experts familiar with the PDSD affliction have prescribed a rigorous regimen of backcountry touring and hiking.

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