SKI TOWN, USA — Returning gradually to consciousness Thursday, 23-year-old Jake Masters woke slowly with a splitting headache, an empty wallet and a bottle of bourbon where his girlfriend should have been. His confusion was clarified when, at 10:37 a.m., he found the texts on his cell phone from 22-year-old Katie Norman that explained he was now single, and apparently a “HUGE ASSHOLE.”
“I don’t know what I did wrong!” Masters lamented. “I mean, sure, I blew off our dinner plans to take bong rips and drink at the bar, but, c’mon! Is that so bad?”
WHEN I WALKED INTO HIS ROOM, I WAS GREETED WITH THE SMELL OF WEED AND FARTS INTERMINGLED. IT WAS GROSS!
On his way home from skiing the day before to prep a pre-arranged romantic dinner, Masters ran into his buddy, 23-year-old Buck Nasty, who aggressively convinced him to come apres at the Mangy Moose. According to Nasty, Masters agreed to “just have one.” But anonymous sources at the bar confirmed that Masters ordered multiple cocktails, then did a shotski, then ordered a round of Jagerbombs for his crew.
“We were all getting super shitty at the bar,” Nasty explained. “But then one of us slurred something about his girlfriend and his stupid dinner plans. I felt sorta bad, because when he remembered Katie, he just yelled ‘FUCK,’ and drunkenly stormed off to the START bus.”
Masters did manage to make it home to start cooking, but after his roommate passed him a bongload of “one-hitter-quitter” shit, he instead collapsed onto his bed.
“I just wanted to rest my eyes for, like, five minutes,” Masters said. “But I guess I must have zonked out harder than I expected.”
Arriving at Masters’ house punctually at 7:30 p.m. for their dinner date, Norman was unamused to find her then-boyfriend out for the count.
“When I walked into his room, I was greeted with the smell of weed and farts intermingled. It was gross!” Norman recalled. “Looking at him there, all fucked up and disgusting, I knew I was no longer attracted to him. Just to be nice, I tried to wake him up, but every time I’d try to rouse him, he’d just mumble something about ‘powder pillows.’ At that point, I was over it.”
LOOKING AT HIM THERE, ALL FUCKED UP AND DISGUSTING, I KNEW I WAS NO LONGER ATTRACTED TO HIM.
Norman never did manage to wake her now-estranged lover, and after nearly an hour of bored Instagramming and Tindering, Norman decided to throw in the towel and end the relationship.
“Lately, I’ve been doing a lot for myself,” Norman explained. “Coming off this wheatgrass fast and a months-long Bikram regimen, I just couldn’t justify dating a complete slob anymore. It seemed like all he cared about — all most men in ski towns care about — was getting first tracks, drinking, eating pizza, smoking herb and delivering mediocre-quality sex from time to time. I mean, where are all the real men at?”
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