SKI TOWN, USA — While in recovery after the abrupt conclusion of a budding Tinder romance, TGR intern and professional cougar hunter Toby Koekkoek, 24, broke his silence about the woes of mountain-town heartbreak.
The text blackout came Tuesday, March 1, after the newly Tindered ski bum sent his 27th consecutive text in just under 45 minutes.
In what Koekkoek described as “love at first swipe,” the forlorn and grief-stricken ginger detailed the digital courtship and how its failure led him to drink heavily, ski without a helmet, and doubt the practicality of technology-fueled millennial mating rituals in mountain towns.
After an extended multi-day text conversation, the female in question, known to the Tinderverse only as “Tiffany, 24,” declined to express continued interest after their ill-fated texting session.
“From the second I saw the profile pic of her ruggedly holding a fresh-caught salmon, I was hooked,” Koekkoek recalled distantly. “The other pictures of her riding pow, giggling with friends, cuddling a cute animal — they all fit my Freudian projections of what my dream mountain town partner should be.”
But unfortunately for Koekkoek, he and Tiffany weren’t on the same page.
“We matched, for fuck’s sake!” Koekkoek cried into a Kleenex, snot dribbling all over his face. “When I saw the screen go black and our two pictures displayed side-by-side… I don’t think I’ll ever love a semi-real person like that again.”
FROM OUR VERY FIRST TINDER TEXT, SHE LED ME TO BELIEVE THAT I WAS SPECIAL — THAT I WAS DIFFERENT FROM ALL THE OTHER BROS THAT SHE SWIPED RIGHT — BUT I WAS WRONG.
After rumors of the text blackout shocked almost no one in the town of Jackson, Tiffany reached out to TGR in an emailed statement to clarify her side of the story.
“That guy was super creepy!” Tiffany, 24 wrote. “After only a few exchanged sentences via text, he started using intimidating pronouns like ‘we’ and ‘us.’ I mean, I’m all about the Netflix and chill, the random booty call, but that guy’s overtures of authentic romantic interest totally threw off my semi-sociopathic millennial dating tendencies. I mean, I’m not looking for some guy to hold me up on powder days.”
Koekkoek has begun visiting the Teton County Library to seek out more mature potential mates, although his attempts to start conversation with whichever female happens to be perusing the historical biography section has drawn the ire of local librarians.
Originally published on Tetongravity.com, March 4, 2016