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Snowboarder Sharts Himself in Backcountry, Hits Rock Bottom

JACKSON, Wyo. — A local snowboarder was reported to have shit his pants Wednesday while hiking up the Mount Glory bootpack.

In a scene that witnesses called “sad” and “disgusting,” 29-year-old Samuel Rooney hit rock bottom when at approximately 10:57 a.m., the mountain town regular found himself beginning to suffer gastrointestinal issues roughly halfway up the Mount Glory bootpack. According to reports, the unassuming Roonie forged ahead, ignoring the persistent pangs of digestive unease.

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However, disaster struck when, nearly at the summit, Rooney attempted to relieve some of the backed up pressure with a loud fart. In an interview with TGR after the incident, Rooney confirmed that he was just trying to “pass a little gas” to let up some of the bloating that had consolidated in his gut. But the messy disaster that ensued under the Mount Glory billboard was worse than anyone could have predicted.

IT WAS PROBABLY THE SADDEST THING I’VE EVER WITNESSED — THE SOBBING AND BLUBBERING WAS TERRIBLE — I’M HAUNTED STILL.

Backcountry bystanders, including TGR correspondents who witnessed the incident, reported finding Rooney lying on the snowpack crying and wailing at the horror of his self-defilement. “It was probably the saddest thing I’ve ever witnessed — the sobbing and blubbering was terrible — I’m haunted still,” said TGR intern Pyper Dixon. “I’ve never seen a grown man that upset before.”

“I knew I shouldn’t have done 5-star spicy at Thai Plate last night,” Rooney choked out right after the fateful soiling. “I was just trying to pass a little gas, but by the time I realized what was happening — that I was sharting myself — it was already too late.”

Even with poopy pants, Rooney sends off the cornice! Sam Morse photo.

Upon collecting himself — his pants still poopy — the snowboarder wondered aloud what would come next.

“What the fuck do I do now?” Rooney screamed at the cruel, heartless universe. “I’ve got 1,700 vertical of pow to shred, but I’ve shit myself. I get that it’s a first-world problem, but this is maybe the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”

After crying and laying in his own filth for over an hour, reports confirmed that the broken bro managed to “get his shit together” and ride down the Twin Slides run.

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