Culture

Displaced Wyo. Ski Bums Overrun Alpine Coaster

keeper-coaster

JACKSON, Wyo. — Responding to recent outages, a mob of skiers and snowboarders inundated a local alpine coaster Thursday morning, creating a lift line that some estimated to number in the thousands.

Left with few recreational opportunities after a wind storm toppled power lines, sopping wet ski bums sought any means possible to avoid working, catching up on emails or conducting activities that could lead to gainful employment.

Waiting for the alpine coaster to open since 5:45 a.m. in torrential rains, town local Ashely Hawkins, 29, told The Bumion that she was not prepared to stay indoors and work all day, and instead would be pillaging first (coaster) tracks. 

“I gotta get my turns somehow,” Hawkins yelled over the subtropical moisture blasting her in the face. “Even if it’s on the mountain coaster loop de loop. First turns baby!”

Although the coaster proved to be a successful option for the displaced town populace, other ski bum diversions included drinking heavily, bathing, sleeping, smoking pot and binge watching ski porn.

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