MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — A snowboarder’s morale was crushed Friday morning after discovering that his local hill’s powder snow report was completely out of touch with actual snow conditions on the ground.
Promising 14 inches of “blower” off-piste and “packed powder” everywhere else, the Marmot Mountain snow report eventually convinced 31-year-old rider Sam Rooney to get out of bed and rally for early turns, despite seeing sheets of rain falling outside his low-elevation residence.
“It was pissing rain at my house,” Rooney yelled over the subtropical moisture tap blasting him in the face. “I just wanted to believe it would be good — but man, was I wrong.”
After taking a single run, sources indicate that a sopping Rooney made his way to Marmot Mountain’s base lodge, where, as of press time, he was drinking heavily in an effort to forget the low quality turns he’d been subjected too.
“I should’a stayed in bed,” Rooney slurred to The Bumion. “That was the shittiest snow I’ve ever ridden — it was terrible. That 14 inches felt like cement, and it turns out ‘packed powder’ actually means ‘glacial ribbon of suffering.’ I expected powder pleasure, but all I got was powder punishment.”
THAT 14 INCHES FELT LIKE CEMENT, AND IT TURNS OUT ‘PACKED POWDER’ ACTUALLY MEANS ‘GLACIAL RIBBON OF SUFFERING.’
Luckily, the disappointed ski bum had a tight support group of friends nearby to share his woes (and rounds) with. Bro and fellow powder enthusiast Max Gellar, 28, told The Bumion that like his friend, he’d also been let down by the misleading report.
“It was a hot, wet, sloppy mess out there,” Gellar said. “It seems like it’s raining everywhere. Snowmageddon was cool for a while, but dude, this winter is starting to get ridiculous!”