Culture

Mad Pow Disease Ravages Western Ski Towns

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RENO, Nev. — The fight against Mad Pow Disease entered a new and terrifying phase Thursday, when the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) issued public health warnings to most western states, as well as ordering a full quarantine of the Tahoe Basin, which is currently fighting a large-scale outbreak.

Responding to the Mad Pow quarantine, marooned Tahoe residents overwhelmed local convenience stores, buying up snorkels, beer and beacon batteries. Tahoe’s black market index reported a 1,000% spike in both marijuana and pizza delivery sales.

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Doctors have been alarmed with the severity of the contagion, and have asked the public to be on the lookout for Mad Pow symptoms such as frothing, not going to work, heavy apres drinking and compulsive NOAA forecast checking.

But CDC director Robert RipnCrush told TGR that this epidemic is nothing new, and that his agency has been battling Mad Pow ever since early December.

“This winter has been a disaster,” RipnCrush said. “Nobody is going to work, or paying taxes, or anything… Our clinical studies indicate Mad Pow causes terrible FOMO and anxiety in the mornings. But around midday, people just get ‘stoked.’ Then, in the evening, the infected get tired and go to sleep. It’s sad what’s happening to these communities!”

Tahoe’s black market index reported a 1,000% spike in both marijuana and pizza delivery sales.

When asked when they expected the quarantine to be lifted, the CDC responded with a written statement explaining that they have no definitive timeframe, but also claimed outbreaks may be causally related to overall climactic conditions.

“Historically, Mad Pow Disease sets in during the coldest winter months, but as spring sets in, and temperatures climb, it gradually dissipates,” the statement reads. But some years, we see late-season spikes, especially in March and April.”

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