JACKSON, Wyo. — Conditions after the zombie apocalypse struck Jackson Hole this winter were “all time,” said Chris Jones, 27, in an SOS broadcast intercepted Friday by the Department of Defense.
The infestation reportedly wiped out the town’s entire populace below 7,000 feet, but new dispatches suggest surviving skiers and riders had endless untracked during the latter part of the 2017 ski season.
“Winter was so sick after the zombies overran Jackson!” Jones told The Bumion from his bunker atop Rendezvous Mountain. “We lost a lot of good shredders, but we know they’d want us to keep ripping — so that’s what we did.”
Absent a human source of sustenance, the Jackson Hole-confined zombies have turned to trespassing on the elk refuge and feeding on migrating deer, elk and ungulate. National Forest land managers, who enforce a strict closure during the winter months, have been infuriated by the zombies’ wanton disregard for conservation initiatives. The Forest Service has leveled several rounds of escalating fines, but to no avail.
“We’re trying to rehabilitate the Greater Yellowstone ecosystem here,” NFS land manager Doug Christie said from the top of his Snow King survival outpost. “But, the zombies don’t seem to give a fuck about wildlife restoration.”