MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — A shaggy beast called it quits Monday after a storied ski patrol career that lasted well over 50 dog years. The fateful decision came on the heels of a rigorous patrol tryout that, despite acing in the past, left the Golden aching and immobile due to an arthritic hip problem.
Citing “terrible pain” and a host of other genetic health issues, 65-dog-year-old Wally the “Good Boi” Retriever told TGR in an exclusive interview he’ll miss patrolling, but that he’s also excited to finally get a chance to do normal dog stuff.
“I started sniffin’ for patrol when I was still a young pup,” Wally said while sprawling out to receive a tummy rub. “But these days, all these young pups are coming up quick; an old beast like me’s got no chance. For most of my life, I was just too busy rescuing humans to do anything normal — I didn’t even have time to eat my own poo.”
Despite putting a positive spin on his retirement, Wally also indicated that it’s gotten tougher being a dog in a ski town, identifying the high cost of housing, the unfavorable beast-to-bitch ratio and the competition with younger trust-fund pups as particular sources of frustration.
“My bad hip’s got me hooked on doggy meds,” the plucky Golden said while crushing a jar of peanut butter. “The price to rent a dog house has gone through the roof, and I can’t even find a Golden girl to breed with. Plus, you got all these young pups coming from Boston looking to take my job, housing, and puppy pow — it’s enough to make a retriever want to run away from home.”